The long-awaited new Avengers installment opens tomorrow, and as always, the internet is abuzz with theories and speculation. As one of my generation’s foremost cultural critics, I feel it’s my duty to add my voice to this veritable cacophony of adult nerd-screaming. Here, then, are my predictions for Infinity War.
- Captain America and Iron Man will have one of those scenes where somebody says something funny, they share a smile, then start to chuckle, which weirdly turns into a full belly laugh, then dwindles back down to silence. “Let’s put that really big fight we had behind us,” Iron Man will say. “Water under the bridge,” Cap will say, with a twinkle in his eye and that trademark American smile.
- Hawkeye, attempting to twang off a little itty bitty arrow, will be brutally bisected by Thanos’ famous sword.
- Black Widow will look at the camera at exactly the one hour mark and say, “is it just me, or is this certainly shaping up to be some kind of Infinity War?”
- Thanos will immediately respond, “more like In-chin-ity War! Have you seen my tremendous purple chin? Its wrinkles are from all of my frowning!”
- Black Panther will be much smaller looking, and sound like Shuri, and everyone will be like “Shuri, is that you in the suit? Where’s T’Challa?” and Black Panther will respond, in a rough approximation of an adult male voice, “nope, it’s me, T’Challa, the Black Panther!” and then Bucky will look at the camera and shrug, as if to say, “Classic Shuri!”
- I will be in the movie, and I will be really cool and save the day from Thanos.
- The Hulk – of course – will deliver his signature line: “Let’s fuck!”
- Chris Pratt and the raccoon will FINALLY kiss.
- At the end of the movie, which I’m predicting will be a tight 90 minutes, the gang will pull off Thanos’ mask to reveal the scariest villain of all – that’s right, Malekith!
- Malekith! Malekith, from Thor: The Dark World? Remember?
- The movie will make one zillion dollars and Groot will be put on the ten dollar bill.
The movie prediction game is tough stuff! I was going to end this with a warm, conciliatory “your guess is as good as mine,” but frankly, this is my profession, and my reputation is on the line, so you can rest assured that my guess is better than yours. Sorry for spoiling, and enjoy the movie!